The Power of Radical Acceptance

BY: MARY FUNG-A-FAT MED

PHILADELPHIA THERAPIST

Navigating intense emotions can be incredibly difficult. Do you ever find yourself in a negative feedback loop of mentally replaying your most anxious moments? Does it often feel as though it’s hard to stop thinking about it, yet all it does is create more stress? Whether you are frustrated in standstill traffic, embarrassed about a mistake you made at work, hung up on a break up, or anxious about the holidays, radical acceptance can help you suspend the suffering of enduring circular negative self-talk and move towards making peace with your experience.

Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill in Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) that aims at letting go of unhelpful thought patterns and fully embracing the reality of the situation without judgment. The premise is to avoid pain from becoming suffering.

Consider this - pain is touching a flame; suffering is keeping your finger on it. This technique understands that pain is inevitable, however, suffering is something we can learn to let go of by focusing on what we can control versus what we cannot. It is then that we can begin to shift the narrative which allows us to acknowledge negative emotions, view situations rationally, and build towards productive plans. It’s important to note that acceptance does not mean condoning the painful experience, rather, objectively observing it versus emotionally interacting with it.

Simply put, “it is what it is”.

There are of course exceptions to when radical acceptance does not apply. In the case of harmful situations such as abuse, excusing unhealthy behaviors, replacing prescribed medication, or avoiding responsibilities.

Here are some steps to practicing Radical Acceptance:

Acknowledging reality - Describe the situation as if it were being reported on the news. Release judgment and stick to the facts. Focusing on the ‘could have been’ are fictional thoughts that only prolong suffering. Acknowledging reality helps to ground yourself and gain an objective perspective of the situation.
Inspect the outcome - If the situation was controllable, this is a great opportunity for growth. Give yourself some grace to make mistakes and learn from them. As the quote goes, “you win some, you learn some.” If you could not control the situation, reminding yourself that some things are simply out of our hands can be relieving.
Visualize it - List all the ways your life would be different if you accepted the reality of the situation. What activities would you engage in if you accepted the facts? Radical acceptance encourages you to visualize this alternative reality, and then go ahead and engage in those behaviors as though you have accepted it. Note what thoughts, feelings, and behaviors come up for you in this process.
Accept the feelings - To be human is to have feelings. Feelings are neither bad nor good. They are simply information. If we view our feelings as mere reactions to a stimulus, we can begin to accept the fact that emotions are our body’s way of telling us what we like and don’t like. Acceptance occurs when we allow ourselves to acknowledge our natural reactions without judgment. Radical acceptance is heavily rooted in mindfulness practices and suggests mindful tools to help soothe intense emotions during these times. Such practices include meditation, breathing exercises, journaling etc.
Build the muscle - Like any skill, radical acceptance will require regular practice. The more you exercise it, the stronger it will get!

Accepting the facts of the situation and your natural reactions will allow you the space to think of how you want to move forward with the situation in a way that serves to empower you rather than paralyze you. As you move through your life, remember that we might not be able to change the past, but we can certainly radically accept it to allow ourselves the grace to move forward peacefully.

by: Mary Fung-a-Fat, M.Ed.

**Mary Fung-A-Fat** is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Mary offers services online through our HIPAA compliant platform. She supports individuals and couples as they learn to navigate the end of relationships. To schedule an appointment **click here.**

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