The Gottman Method: Strengthening Your Relationships through Bids for Connection

The Gottman Method: Strengthening Your Relationships through Bids for Connection

In the realm of couples therapy, there are numerous methodologies and techniques designed to improve communication, strengthen bonds, and enhance overall relationship satisfaction. One such approach that has gained considerable prominence is the Gottman Method. Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this evidence-based therapy focuses on understanding and responding effectively to bids for connection within a relationship.

What are Bids for Connection?
Bids refer to the small, often subtle, attempts we make to connect with our partners on a daily basis. These could be in the form of gestures, questions, comments, or even non-verbal cues. Bids can be as simple as sharing a funny story, asking for help with a task, or seeking emotional support during a difficult moment. According to the Gottmans, how couples respond to these bids significantly impacts the quality and longevity of their relationships.

Recognizing and Responding to Bids
The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of recognizing bids for connection and responding to them in a manner that fosters closeness and understanding. This involves being present, engaged, and mindful of the cues our partners give us. For instance, imagine your partner shares a frustrating experience at work. A bid for connection could be as simple as saying, "That sounds tough. How are you feeling about it?" Responding with empathy and curiosity to your partner's bids creates an environment of emotional safety and intimacy.

Turning Toward, Away, or Against
The Gottman Method categorizes responses to bids into three types: turning toward, turning away, or turning against. Turning toward is when we actively acknowledge and respond to a bid, demonstrating interest, empathy, and support. This reinforces a sense of connection and trust within the relationship. On the other hand, turning away occurs when we miss or ignore a bid, unintentionally diminishing our partner's attempts to connect. Finally, turning against happens when we actively reject or respond negatively to a bid, which can result in feelings of resentment or disconnection.

Deepening Emotional Attunement
Through the Gottman Method, couples are encouraged to deepen their emotional attunement by actively tuning into their partner's bids and consistently responding in positive ways. Practicing this approach fosters a cycle of positivity, allowing couples to build a strong foundation of mutual understanding, trust, and appreciation. Over time, partners become more skilled at recognizing bids and responding to them with warmth and understanding.

Strengthening Your Relationship with the Gottman Method
Integrating the Gottman Method into your relationship doesn't require drastic changes or daunting tasks. Instead, it involves being attentive to the small moments of connection and investing in them every day. By actively turning toward your partner's bids, you create an atmosphere where love and intimacy can flourish.

Here are a few practical tips for incorporating the Gottman Method into your relationship:

1. Be mindful of bids: Pay close attention to your partner's cues, both verbal and non-verbal, as they reach out for connection. Even small gestures can carry significant meaning.
2. Respond with empathy: When your partner makes a bid, respond with empathy and understanding. Show genuine interest in their experiences and emotions. Validate their perspectives and provide comfort when needed.
3. Build rituals of connection: Establish regular moments of bonding, such as sharing meals together, taking walks, or engaging in activities you both enjoy. These rituals strengthen the bond between you and create more opportunities for bids and responses.
4. Practice active listening: Give your partner your undivided attention when they make a bid. Practice active listening, which involves fully focusing on their words, emotions, and body language. Avoid distractions and show that you value their presence and input.

Remember, building a strong relationship is an ongoing process, and the Gottman Method provides a valuable framework to help guide this journey. By recognizing and responding to bids for connection, you can cultivate a deeper sense of intimacy, trust, and satisfaction within your relationship.

Therapist Highlight: Ariel Stern, LPC, CGT

Ariel is a Licensed Counselor in Pennsylvania and a Certified Gottman Therapist. Ariel supports couples struggling with parenting, conflict, or substance use utilizing The Gottman Method. She practices in our Ardmore, Pennsylvania office.