14 Red Flags in a Relationship You Definitely Shouldn’t Ignore

FT; FOLASHADE ADEKUNLE, LPC FOR SElF

Love has a way of blinding people from the red flags in a relationship that may be waving right in front of their eyes. Some warning signs don’t require you to look too closely, like a partner who punches a wall when their favorite baseball team loses, or a date who makes racist or homophobic comments (never okay). But what about more subtle cues, like the fact that they keep swearing you’re their soulmate after only two dates or being a little too clingy?

No matter how stable, healthy, or passionate your romance is, you’re bound to encounter annoying (fine, maddening) moments and pet peeves. But the signs of trouble we’re referring to go beyond those little things that irk you. We’re talking about behaviors that give (or should give) you serious pause and can sometimes indicate a larger pattern.

That’s why we’ve rounded up some common red flags that might not be obvious—so you can navigate your love life with more confidence (and fewer regrets).

They put you down, even in a teasing way.

“It was only a joke” are not magical words that erase hurtful insults. Excessive sarcasm, a mean sense of humor, or jokes that regularly point out your flaws can represent “a nonconsensual way to leverage power in the relationship,” Dulcinea Pitagora, PhD, LCSW, New York City–based psychotherapist and sex therapist, tells SELF.

Philadelphia-based couples counselor Folashade Adekunle, MEd, agrees and says there is an important difference between couples who “roast” each other in a consensual, teasing way and someone whose “jokes” make you feel bad about yourself. What’s especially concerning, she adds, is when you tell your partner they’re hurting your feelings and their behavior still doesn’t change. In that case, this red flag can escalate to a dealbreaker or “nonnegotiable,” Adekunle says.

They rush a new relationship forward way too quickly.

Popularly referred to as “love bombing,” this red flag isn’t necessarily about someone who says “I love you” too soon or who wants to move in together after five dates.

Instead, it involves a pattern of intense and excessive interest, and it becomes worrying when “one person is trying to manipulate the other into a situation of dependency,” Adekunle says. If someone you recently started dating is overwhelming you with overly indulgent compliments like, “You’re all I’ve ever wanted” or showering you with extravagant gifts, those behaviors can veer into unhealthy relationship territory. In the context of love bombing, these seemingly sweet gestures are often followed by more insidious actions, like guilt-tripping you for spending time with others or getting angry when you don’t do what they want.

Again, there’s nothing inherently wrong with a fast-moving or expressive love life, as long as it feels right. Adekunle just suggests that you check in with your body: If you’re anxious about your partner pushing the relationship forward at warp speed, it’s probably a sign to pump the brakes and examine where your emotions are coming from.

They don’t truly listen to you.

We’re not talking about your significant other forgetting to pick up eggs or needing to be reminded of your adorable dog’s birthday, again. This is about those important aspects of yourself that you share with them, like your hobbies, your traditions, and the people in your life who make you feel whole.

A good question to consider, according to Adekunle: “How does this person show care about my interests and the things that are important to me?” For example, do you have their full attention when you talk about how your day went, or are they constantly distracted by their phone? Do they remember the little details you shared about your weekend friends’ trip, your passion for hiking, or the new coffee blend you’ve been raving about?

If you reflect on these questions and realize you’re not being seen or heard, Adekunle advises asking them, “Do you understand how important this is to me?” If that leads to improvement, great! If not, remember that someone who isn’t willing to grow isn’t worth your time.

Your friends and family members don’t want to spend time with them.

Your loved ones probably want to see you happy and thriving, so you should definitely raise an eyebrow if they’re not exactly thrilled about your lover, Adekunle says. Maybe they just don’t like this person’s differing political views or the fact that they chew with their mouth open. Or, more concerningly, perhaps the people closest to you can see your new partner’s tendency to dismiss your feelings more clearly than you can, since you’re blinded by love or lust.

The only way to find out is to simply ask your friends or family members why, exactly, they don’t want to spend time with this person or get to know them better, Adekunle says. Be prepared for some brutal honesty: The answers might be hard to hear, but they’re ultimately important to know, she adds.

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Folashade Adekunle, LPC

Folashade (Shade) provides in person sessions at our Center City, Philadelphia location. She supports people in both traditional and non-traditional relationships to build a secure functioning relationship where each person feels cared for, responded to, and safe with each other.

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