Surviving a Dysfunctional Family During the Holiday’s: 4 Strategies with Journaling Prompts
Article By: Kris L Townsend, LMFT
‘Tis the season for our screens to be flooded with images of modelesque families throwing their heads back in laughter, enjoying 5-star dinners in luxury rooms filled with unconditional love and fireside warmth. And while we all know on some level that we won’t ever live up to the media's ridiculous expectations of the holiday season, for some of us, it's still a reminder of loss, conflict and trauma, turning holiday cheer into holiday fear and tears.
Let me start with this. Most families are “dysfunctional” in some way. There’s no perfect family. The big difference is families that have emotional tools and communication resources and those who do not. So, we can begin this article with empathy that your family probably just wasn’t given the tools to deal with stress and conflict and they didn’t learn how to state their needs effectively. That doesn’t make it any easier, but it at least puts it into a softer perspective.
Either way, here are some tips to manage big feelings on those big days so you can get through them honoring both yourself and your relationships.
Name your anxieties
One of the fastest ways to reduce anxiety is to actually meet your anxiety head on. Though this may sound like the exact opposite of what most of us want to do (I usually head for the cookies), research has shown that naming our feelings reduces them. So, instead of ignoring the incessant knocking, go ahead, open the door, shake hands with it (or knock elbows for COVID safety) and ask it why it’s there to visit. You’ll find out quite a bit from your chat.
Kristen Neff, writer and researcher, talks about in her book Self Compassion that “suffering + resistance = pain”. If we can’t avoid the suffering, then the least we can do for ourselves is alleviate our resistance to it so it doesn’t feel so painful. We can stop criticizing our feelings, our circumstances and our character and instead meet ourselves with the same compassion and love we would give to a friend.
Journal about it:
What are my greatest worries?
What feelings am I having?
What sensations does that cause in my body (ex: tight chest/jaw/neck)?
What can I do right now to relax, nurture and comfort myself?
What advice and kind words would I give a friend in my position?
2. Prioritize your stress
There are things in our life that we can control and things that we just plain can’t. To lay it out flat, as much as we would love to, we can’t control our families or our past and we’re hurting ourselves trying to. But, what we can control are our thoughts, our choices and our actions. As us therapists always say, we want to have a response instead of a reaction. (And sometimes, when we change the way we respond, the people around us respond differently too. Sometimes.)
It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of rumination about how things could be different, especially if people in your family have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. A gentle reminder: you are not responsible for doing the emotional work for your family members! Read, rinse and repeat that last sentence as much as you need to. Write it down. Make it a mantra! That’s their job!
Now, this doesn’t mean disengaging completely. It just means that you are compassionate and loving with boundaries. You can listen without giving advice, trying to fix it or doing it for them. Plus, there’s no use giving and giving and giving if you end up resentful towards the person or the relationship. You’ll actually be able to be more compassionate in the relationship if you check in with your own needs and choices because you’ll have lots of love left to give.
So, If you find yourself ruminating sadly on the past or anxiously in the future, it's time to bring yourself back into your present moment and organize what is worth your mental space and your emotional energy.
Journal about it:
Take your list of worries from the previous prompt and put them into “can control” and “can’t control” columns.
In “can control” column answer:“What action steps can I take to change this situation?”
In “can’t control” column answer: “What coping strategies can I use?”
What does acceptance mean to you?
What is something I can do if a low priority, can’t control issue is taking up my mental or emotional space?
3. Identify and redefine your role
Our family is a machine and we all have a job that makes it work (or in this case, not work). In other words, we all have a role in our family. Maybe you’re “The Mediator”, “The Problem”, “The Glue”, “The Hero” or “The Black Sheep”.
I’ll use an example. If a child had two parents who didn’t get along, they might adopt the role of being “The Mediator”. Maybe they learned that if they listened to their parents' gripes about the other, there would be less fights and less problems. This makes them feel safe. And as little ones do, they think the problems are their fault or their responsibility. Poor kid! Holding all that grown up anxiety inside! Now, they might be an adult who takes on the role of alleviating any family conflict that comes up by being a good listener, having poor boundaries with people's problems or not advocating for their own needs.
Our role becomes so defined over years of repetition that it’s automatic. Have you ever reverted to an old version of yourself when you’re around your family? Yup. That’s because you’re inside that old system that needs every cog in the wheel to function properly for it to spin.
Unfortunately, all of us acting within our assumed roles is what maintains the anxiety and the problem. For as long as “The Mediator” absorbs the anxiety of their parents, their parents will never have to work it out and the problem persists. Make sense?
What’s important about identifying our role is that we can identify all the unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviors that fall under the umbrella of that role. To stick with “The Mediator” example for continuity, they may have automatic thoughts like “I have to fix this” or “I want to make sure other people feel comfortable (even if that means I have to be small)”. Examples of automatic behaviors that fall under this may be overextending themself to others, allowing others to emotionally dump on them and having difficulty setting boundaries. All of which are keeping them stuck both personally and in their relationships.
So, let's break it down and let’s start making a choice about who we want to be in our family instead of maintaining the roles given to us so we can rid ourselves of excess anxiety and learn how to communicate more effectively. Freedom!
Journal about it:
What is my role in the family?
What automatic thoughts do I have that fall into this role?
What automatic reactions and communication habits do I have that fall into this role?
How does this role maintain the problem?
What new thinking, behaviors and communication can I choose that feel authentic to who I really want to represent?
4. Make a plan
If you know something is going to be difficult for you, make a plan. Always make a plan. Make a couple of flexible but achievable goals so you can move in a way that feels right for you. The direction you look is the direction you will go.
It’s like dancers who use the spotting technique. They choose one spot to focus on so that when they’re spinning around all crazy and beautiful they can stay grounded, focused and upright. Being with your family for the holidays is the spinning and setting a goal is the spotting. We will not be breaking any limbs this year!
Here’s the part where you can get creative and do all that deep juicy healing work. Your goals can literally be anything you want. So, take some time to check in with yourself, ask what you need, listen to your body, grab your shovel, a head lamp and get ready for exploring!
Examples of some healthy goals might be setting better boundaries, having an exit strategy, practicing active listening skills, using I-statements, taking deep breaths or a walk when upset, setting a time limit, setting a booze limit, scheduling a massage or, if you really think you need this, gently breaking the news to your family that you won’t be able to make it home this year (which may require a whole other article).
You can also spend some time thinking about what traditions feel important for you to keep and which ones you want to let go of. Maybe you can even gather up your favorite people and make new traditions that feel ultimate and special for you! You’re allowed to do that. Take your power back! Own it! Make it fun again!
Journal about it:
What boundaries and limits are important for me to maintain?
What can I do if a family member responds poorly to my boundaries or needs?
What can I do if I feel upset (ex: take a walk, call a friend)?
What do I value about the holidays (ex: thoughtful acts, helping those in need)?
What new traditions can I make?
Dealing with difficult family relationships is really hard. And these problems are not going to change over night or after one article. But, I promise, if you take some time to think about what you want and make small changes that you apply consistently over time, it will get at least a little easier and a little better. Wishing you love and a happy holiday season!
Pennsylvania and California Therapist
Kristin Townsend is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania offering online therapy to residents of Pennsylvania and California. She supports individuals with understanding their patterns, where they came from, finding your strengths, as well as having more compassionate, fulfilling relationships. If you believe you are having trouble finding balance in your life or relationship Kristin would be happy to meet with you for therapy from the comfort of your home (or wherever you have a private internet connection).