How to Solve The “Why Didn’t You Just Ask?” Argument Once and For All

This is an excerpt from Elizabeth Earnshaw LMFT's article on Fatherly.

By: Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT

One of the more common arguments I see in my office is something I like to call the “why didn’t you ask?” fight. It occurs when one partner is frustrated, overwhelmed, and resentful because they feel that they’re tasked with handling a greater share of the mental load in the relationship. That is, they take on most of the appointment-making, the party-planning, the meal-prepping, and other such work it takes to run a household. When they express their frustration, a common response I hear from partners is something along the lines of “why didn’t you just ask?”

Here’s an example: Several years ago, I was sitting in my office talking to a particularly lovely couple, let’s call them Lucy and John. They deeply respected and cared for each other and yet argued all the time. And in those moments it seemed like they didn’t respect or care for each other at all.

The trigger could be something as small as seeing a sock left on the step, a light bulb that hadn’t yet been changed, or a call that needed to be made to the doctor. These small tasks of daily living would turn into explosive arguments. 

One day, Lucy and John were telling me about an argument that had happened the night before. 

“I am so incredibly frustrated,” Lucy said. “I am literally the only person who did anything for Samuel’s birthday party. All of the invitations, all of the calls, all of the decorating…right down to picking up the cake the morning of.”

“Well…I didn’t know all of that was going on,” John replied. “All you had to do was tell me and I’d have done some more for the party.”

Lucy turned red, and uttered, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Then, she looked at me and bit her tongue.

Had they been at home Lucy might have said things like: “Why do I need to tell you what to do? I’m not your mother!” or “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you know what to do for a simple birthday party?’

Lucy’s contempt in that moment led to John’s defensiveness and the fight continued. On and on they went until one went a little too far and said something a little too mean. And then they’d come to couples therapy and talk about it. 

So how can couples in such situations break what seems to be an endless cycle? While the way forward isn’t easy, there are things both of them can do to share the load. 

To read the rest of the article on Fatherly.com click here.

Elizabeth is a Philadelphia therapist supporting couples and individuals struggling with unhealthy relationships, setting boundaries, infidelity and life stressors. Elizabeth is the Director of A Better Life Therapy, the author of the best selling relationship book I Want This To Work , a cofounder of Ours, and shares free relationship tips on Instagram @lizlistens

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