Get Off the Emotional Rollercoaster
How to improve conflict in your relationship by building emotional regulation
By Deirdre Cosgrove, LMFT
As a couples therapist, one of the most common reasons that couples seek therapy is for support with managing conflict. I see so many couples that struggle with emotional regulation (tolerating uncomfortable or distressing emotions). Although one of life’s most important skills, the majority of people do not get great emotional coaching or skills modeled to them in their childhood. These couples come in reporting terrible arguments, shutting down and ignoring one enough for days (called stonewalling) and general sadness about their communication patterns. In many circumstances, these couples have a connected relationship in all other areas of life, but the distress caused by the conflict makes them consider whether they have a future together.
Build Emotional Regulation Skills
If this resonates for you, here are some tips that I use with my couples to build better emotional regulation skills:
Learn to recognize flooding: The Gottman Institute defines flooding as “the sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.” You can start to notice characteristics of flooding in yourself. An elevated heart rate of 100 bpm is a sure sign you are flooded. Other cues are a sense of physical tension, shallow breathing, clenching your muscles, raising your tone of voice, trying to leave the situation, or shutting down completely and ignoring your partner.
Once you can name the experience as flooding, it can help to neutralize the situation and get out of the blame cycle. Recognize that when flooded, a person needs at least 20 minutes of a break (out of sight and earshot of your partner) to calm down. Some people need up to one day.
2. Explore your own strategies for self soothing. It’s helpful to have a toolbox of strategies you can access when you are flooded to help your nervous system reset and return to a more relaxed state. Common self-soothing strategies include taking a walk, practicing deep breathing, listening to music, laying in a quiet room, journaling, spending time with pets, calling a close friend, playing a video game and using mindfulness techniques.
There are many reasons people struggle with self-soothing. Sometimes this is deeply rooted in trauma or family of origin experiences. If this is the case for you, it could be helpful to explore these topics with an individual therapist.
3. Agree to new rules for conflict management. It’s important to make a commitment to new behaviors going forward. Whenever one partner becomes flooded, you must take a break and table the discussion until things are calm enough to continue. Make a plan to talk about difficult topics in advance, choosing a time when you are both able to focus without outside stress. Practice using repair statements, which help to lower the temperature- “I’m feeling defensive, can you rephrase that? Let me see if I’m understanding what you mean… Can you give me a hug? Let’s get back on track”.
4. Take a hard look at the big picture- what is the role of stress in your lives? How are you generally doing with coming together against stress, rather than let it come between you? You might need to make some changes in your lives to reduce your overall stress levels.
5. Add in rituals of connection to help with stress management. Talk about how you can learn to support one another after a stressful day- what would be meaningful? It’s critical that couples learn to support one another in times of stress. Ask one another- “How can I support you when you’ve had a tough day? What might you need to feel better?” If you can learn to become attuned to one another’s stress, you can learn to become more aligned and supportive of one another. It is also helpful to have a daily conversation about what’s on your mind, so you can validate and support one another.
One of the most powerful tools for learning to navigate conflict is learning how to manage emotions. Learning to navigate emotions differently can improve your own ability to express yourself while also creating a safer relationship for you and your partner.
Deirdre Cosgrove, LMFT is a licensed therapist practicing virtually in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Deirdre is trained in EMDR (a trauma based therapy) and Gottman Method Therapy. She supports individuals and couples to navigate trauma, conflict, and emotional regulation. To learn more about Deirdre click here.
ABOUT A BETTER LIFE THERAPY
A Better Life Therapy supports individuals, couples, and families to create a better life for themselves and their loved ones through navigating mental health challenges, improving their relationships, learning new life and relational skills, and building a healthy sense of self. Whether you are facing a difficulty or are looking to take a proactive approach to your mental wellness, we are here.
LOCATIONS
A Better Life Therapy offers face to face and virtual therapy. See our locations below. We are continuing to add new states so if you do not see your state listed please check with us at info@abetterlifetherapy.com
In Office Locations
If you would like to meet with your therapist face-to-face in an office, we’ve got you covered. Are offices are designed to make you feel completely at home. Please visit us for:
Therapy in our Center City, Philadelphia office at 100 S Broad Broad Street
Therapy in our Main Line Office in Ardmore, Pennsylvania at 10 E. Athens Ave
Virtual Locations
If you prefer to do therapy from the comfort of your home, workplace, or while out in a park,check out our virtual locations. Right now we are able to offer virtual therapy for people residing in:
Maryland
New Jersey
New York
Pennsylvania
Utah
Don’t see your state listed? Check with us by emailing info@abetterlifetherapy.com!