Book Review: Not Drinking Tonight
Review by Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT
Alcohol
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Alcohol 〰️
“Oh, come on. Be fun!”
Several years ago I was at a get together at a friends house. There was a lot of wine and beer and honestly didn’t want to drink a drop of it. I had a really big opportunity in the morning and I wanted to feel good. I wanted to wake up easily. I certainly didn’t want a headache. I felt pretty confident in my ability to still have a good time with my friends without drinking. A mocktail was enough for me.
I was surprised at the reaction I got.
“Oh come on, we want to see ‘wine Liz’! You’re so much fun!” or “Just have one! You are always working so hard you can loosen up a bit just for one night”. “No”, I said, “I’m not drinking tonight”. I also received “ohh…is there a secret you’re not telling us?! Are you having a (whisper voice) baby??”
When I saw the title of Amanda White’s book Not Drinking Tonight, the title alone caught my eye. How many of us have wanted to be with our friends while also not drinking? And, how many of us have faced the same peer pressures to “just do it”. I know I have. And I’ve seen it happen to others. One friend who is completely sober constantly has to navigate the “it’s cool, I don’t drink. I’m happy with my seltzer!” conversation.
As Amanda says in her book, “[a]lcohol is tightly woven into the fabric of our lives. Every major holiday in the United States incorporates alcohol. We use it to bond, connect, and commemorate weddings, funerals, dates, social events, good news and bad news, and almost everything in between. If someone says they don’t drink, we often assume the person is either religious, pregnant or an alcoholic. If someone says they don’t drink, we often assume the person is either religious, pregnant, or an alcoholic”.
As someone that has changed my own relationship with alcohol, I dove into her book feeling immediately held by that very relatable observation - why is it only ok to say no to a drink when we’re pregnant, sick, boring, an alcoholic, or religious (also all good reasons!).
Alcohol + Relationships
In my book I Want This To Work, I talk about underlying issues that cause conflict. Sometimes we don’t like to talk about those issues - it’s easier to point the finger at the character of our partner than it is to accept the reality of that a lot of things might be setting us up for not so great interactions. I often have couples come into he office complains about a major blow up that is, in their words, “very out of character”. Hmm…I might say…”Was there something that might have added to the likelihood this would happen?” … “I don’t think so”. they’ll respond. About ten minutes in I will find out they were drinking the night before. In Not Drinking Tonight, Amanda shares a story about a couple who keeps getting into fights when they are drinking. One partner even made a comment that their partner becomes a different person when they’re drunk.
Drinking is so embedded in our culture, though, that it can be hard to admit that the drinking could be causing the relationship issues. Especially if you fear being labeled an alcoholic.
No one wants to be labeled an alcoholic
At least at first. People are often so afraid to be labeled as an alcoholic, that they will minimize the impacts of their drinking. They won’t fully report what is happening to them when they drink. Or they will try to minimize or “normalize” the behavior and the outcomes. “Yes we fight when we are drinking but it’s not the drinking…it’s just the only time we are actually talking!” or “I know, I got black out but honestly that’s what all the girls my age do”. In White’s book she helps people to understand that it’s less important to be labeled than it is to figure out how alcohol is playing a role in your life - and if you find it’s playing a pretty awful role than it might be time to create a new relationship with it. Her ultimate message though, is to call it what you want.
Do you want to say you’re an alcoholic? That’s ok…as long as it’s helpful to you. Would you rather just say “I’ve changed my relationship to drinking?” that’s cool too. Not Drinking Tonight takes a different approach than other books written on substance use. Most substance use books preach abstinence and encourage people to use specific terminology to describe the issue “you are an alcoholic”. Amanda doesn’t agree. She believes there is so much more freedom in being able to name it how it feels good for you. That it’s enough to just say “I’m not drinking tonight”.
One thing at a time
White’s gentle guidance gives permission to do one thing at a time. And to do it in a way where you can actually be successful for yourself instead of following a list of steps someone else says made them successful. For some that might be choosing complete abstinence and for others it might be a slower process. For some it might be never going around alcohol again and for others it might be having a mocktail next to your gal pals who are having a cocktail. For some it might be meetings and for others it might not be.
About the author
Amanda White is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Therapy for Women Center. As someone who has recovered from trauma, substance abuse, and an eating disorder - Amanda know what it’s like to be where you are in your journey.
“As a therapist, this is the book about drinking I have been waiting for. NOT DRINKING TONIGHT offers a fresh perspective on substance misuse and gently guides you, with relatable examples, on how to choose to stop drinking tonight, tomorrow, and--if you want--forever. Finally, a book on drinking that I truly believe in and am excited to recommend to my clients”
-Elizabeth Earnshaw, MA, LMFT, CGT