Bids for Connection
Bids for connection
A part of relationship building (and maintaining) and requires two actions - attention seeking and responding to that need. Often, when we think of attention seeking it is described in a negative light - right alongside calling people “needy”. However, healthy relationships are actually based on seeking attention from other people.
Human beings do this all day long, at different frequencies, with strangers and intimate connections alike. It is how relationships are first built (smiling at someone new in the school cafeteria) and how they are maintained (telling your partner about your day when you get home from work so they know about you).
In Gottman Method couples therapy, we call the process of seeking attention in order to build connection a “bid for connection”.
The Gottman Method and Bids for Connection
The Gottman Method is a research-based approach to couples therapy that focuses on strengthening the friendship and emotional connection between partners. Developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman, this method provides practical tools and strategies to help couples improve their communication, resolve conflicts, and deepen their understanding of each other.
One key concept within the Gottman Method is the idea of "bids for connection." Bids can be thought of as any attempts, whether verbal or nonverbal, that one partner makes to engage with the other. These bids can be as simple as asking a question, making a comment, or even a casual touch. The way partners respond to these bids greatly impacts the quality of their relationship. Responding positively and attentively to bids for connection is crucial in building trust, intimacy, and a strong emotional bond between partners. The Gottman Method aims to help couples identify and understand these bids, and learn effective ways to respond and reciprocate, fostering a deeper sense of connection and closeness.
What happens when people don’t respond to each other’s bids for connection?
When someone makes a bid for connection, there are three possible responses to that bid:
Turning towards
Turning away
Turning against
Turning towards a bid means that you are being responsive to the attempt to get your attention and connect. Here is an example:
You and your partner are taking a walk and your partner notices a beautiful garden. Your partner says to you “wow that garden is so beautiful!” To “turn towards” your partner you might say something like “You’re right, that is a beautiful garden!”. However, you don’t need to always agree in order to be responsive and turn towards. Let’s say you actually think the garden is ugly. What can you do to make sure you are being responsive and true to yourself? You might say something like “Really? What do you like about it?” in an open and curious tone.
Turning away from a bid means that you are non-responsive. The most common example of that in today’s modern world is what happens when someone tries to connect with us but we are so consumed by our cell phones we don’t even response at all.
If you turn away from your partner’s attempt to connect by sharing with you they loved the garden you might not respond at all. Perhaps you keep scrolling on Instagram or change the subject by talking about the e-mail that just popped up on your phone.
Turning against a bid happens when you shut the other person down during their attempt to connect with you.
In this scenario, your partner might share that they think a garden is beautiful and your response might be something like “ew. it’s hideous” or “Why are you even mentioning it? That’s a rich person’s garden. We could never have that.” or “Okay so what?”. It could also be a non verbal response like an eye roll or a sound like a sarcastic laugh or a huff.
When people don’t respond responsively to a bid for connection, the relationship begins to degrade over time. If a partner chronically turns away from their partner’s attempt to connect, then their partner will eventually stop sharing with them. The relationship will become distant and isolated.
If a partner chronically responds by turning agains their partner there will either be heated conflicts or, again, their partner will choose to stop sharing.
Both results are the same - a relationship that no longer feels safe and connected.
Making it a habit
If you’ve noticed that turning away and turning against your partner when they make bids to connect is a problem, you will need to create a new habit. There will not be change over night, however if you make a commitment to turn towards your partner, then your relationship can improve over time.
Make it a point to catch yourself when you become overly engrossed in something that leads you to ignore your partner and catch yourself when you notice that you’ve shut your partner down.
Improving your relationship
If your relationship has been damaged due to turning away from or against each other, things can improve. Our office offers Gottman Method Couples therapy. The Gottman Method provides a structured approach to building a stronger and healthier relationship. You can schedule weekly Gottman Method appointments or weekend long intensives at our office.
To schedule email info@abetterlifetherapy.com.
Article by Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT
Author of I Want This To Work and Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist
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