At a Crossroads in Your Relationship? Three Choices For What To Do
As a relationship therapist, I have met with many people who come to me because they are at a crossroad in their relationship. They are unsure of whether it’s time to lean in to the relationship and stay or walk away. If you are here, you are not alone.
When you’re in this place, you have three choices:
Maintain the status quo
Maintaining the status quo means that you aren’t quite ready to make a change in any direction. When you make this choice, you’re choosing to keep things as is. Sometimes, people do this because they are afraid of what it might mean to make change. If this is the reason for resisting change, work on your fears. Explore what the biggest fears are and how you can begin to feel confidence within yourself. At other times, people choose to maintain the status quo because it’s what makes the most sense for their lives at the moment.
Make a change within yourself
When a relationship isn’t feeling as you’d like it to, but you’re not ready to leave and you can’t maintain the status quo, the only option remaining is to make a change within yourself. You cannot wait for the other person to change and become a version of themselves that you believe would “make you happier”. Instead, consider the person you’d like to be in the relationship and work toward developing that within yourself. Common changes people make within themselves to attempt to improve the relationship include developing stronger communication skills, becoming more clear on their wants and needs, and evaluating the way in which they are showing love and affection in the relationship.
Exit the relationship
The third choice you have when you’re at a crossroads is the end the relationship. At times, this might be a really hard decision to make. You might worry that the relationship is “too bad to stay but too good to leave”. At other times, your decision comes more easily.
Common issues that create uncertainty in a relationship.
There are many reasons that people might feel uncertain about whether their relationship can continue or it should end. Common reasons include consistent frustration with unchanging, detrimental patterns, broken trust, and a divergence of values, interests, or goals.
1. Persisting frustration: It’s common in long term relationships to feel frustration. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing - you are married to a human being who is different from you after all. However, if you find that you have continual frustration about detrimental patterns, you might find yourself wondering if the relationship can continue. One of the biggest dangers of persisting frustration is the build up of resentment. Over time, built up resentment creates toxicity in a relationship in which people begin to treat each other poorly and disengage.
If you’re noticing yourself building resentment, you might want to consider communicating with your partner about your needs. Couples therapy can also help. As mentioned above, you have three choices - maintain things as they are (status quo), change something about how you’re navigating the issue, or leave the relationship. Often people try to do choice #2 before ending the relationship.
2. Trust is broken. When you put your utmost confidence and trust in someone, you expect them to hold up to their end of the deal. Trust is the sense that another person cares for your wellbeing and has your back. When that doesn’t happen it creates a sense of betrayal. Broken trust can happen through extra marital affairs but it can also occur when you believe your partner made decisions without you or didn’t stick up for you in front of the important people in your life.
Broken trust can be recovered through true remorse, apology, and trust building behaviors. If you find mistrust is causing continual issues in your relationship, it’s important to recognize that rebuilding trust takes time and that committing to it requires patience, openness, and grit.
3. Diverging Paths. Sometimes you meet someone at a specific stage in your life and it feels like you’re meant to be. Then one day, your viewpoints and paths start to change. Changing paths doesn’t always mean a separation is imminent. But if both of you are passionate about opposing views, you might notice increase conflict and feelings of disconnect. Couples who navigate opposing views well are able to take non-polarizing positions and show curiosity about each person’s position and philosophy. Couples can learn to come together on their differences and create win/win scenarios with the right support and communication. At times, however, couples might decide that through no fault of either party, the relationship no longer makes sense due to changes in life’s direction.
If you are wondering whether or not your relationship has run it's course, therapy can help. Our therapists are here to support you in couples therapy or individual therapy to decide whether or not your relationship can improve. If it can, we will give you the tools to do that. And, if you find that it is time to let go, we will support you in separating in a way that honors you both.
A Better Life Therapy
A Better Life Therapy offers individual, couples, and family therapy at 6 different locations in person and in many states virtually. We believe that therapy has the power to help people improve how they feel in their lives and relationships.
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