A Meme Isn't an Apology
Article By: Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT
Have you ever experienced this?
You and another person get into conflict.
It's really hurtful to you, so you speak up. Perhaps you set a boundary or share your feelings. You know that the other person understands it hurts you...or at very least understands there was a conflict.
Perhaps they say something like:
"You are so sensitive! Forget this!"
"I cannot believe how ungrateful you are! I didn't raise you this way!"
"Fine! If that's how it is you don't need me in your life".
Maybe they say nothing at all.
Then, they disappear.
You don't hear from them for months.
You think "maybe the relationship is over..."
And then...
you get an email that says "omg! saw this and thought of you!" with an interesting blog post attached.
or
"Just saw your mom at the store! How are you?"
or
"Hey sweetie! What do you want to do for your birthday this weekend?"
Maybe they send you a random gift in the mail.
The contact feels so nice and the conflict was so long ago that you might go along with it...
"Wow that article is great! How are you?"
"Which store was my mom at? I miss you!"
"I don't have plans yet - want to get lunch?"
Things feel good. We are glad to be connected again. And...there has never been an apology or changed behavior
Over time, this becomes a rigid way of managing conflict - you'll notice that any time there is discontent the same pattern emerges, someone disappears to relieve tension, and then sigh...the tension is broken through a gesture of good will.
You're not alone if this dynamic is familiar. So many of us have experienced it. And many of us have experienced it on both ends ( I have been both the giver and receiver of this type of behavior, for one).
To be clear, we aren't talking about someone taking a 24 hour break to regroup, we are talking about the type of conflict that leaves someone in the dark for months, sometimes even years.
When I posted about this dynamic, I got A LOT of questions on Instagram, so I wanted to answer a few of the top questions here:
So why does it happen?
There are so many reasons that it might happen. Understanding these reasons can help us extend empathy and compassion. Both of these are good things, and we need to make sure we can hold empathy and compassion alongside our ability to set boundaries and be clear on how things impact us.
Isn't this the same as bids for connection?
I love talking about the concept of bids for connection! Many people pointed out that this sounds like a "bid for connection." And, they are absolutely right, reaching out to share a meme, an article, or invite you to an event after many months apart (and in unresolved conflict) is absolutely a bid for connection.
And, if you consciously choose to reenter into the relationship, you'll want to respond to the bid for connection WHILE holding a boundary around how you would like things to commence from there. Because, even if it's a bid for connection, it's doesn't mean it's an apology.
Things that are bids for connection, like apologies, hugs, and jokes, aren't apologies. You can accept the bid, while still wanting or needing more.
That brings me too...
What do I do about it if someone does this to me?
That's for you to decide. There is not right answer for this. Here are a few choices:
1. Accept the bid and ignore the conflict
2. Accept the bid and set a limit/express your feelings around the unresolved conflict and work towards resolution.
3. Choose to dismiss the bid and ask for conflict resolution first.
4. Choose to dismiss the bid and continue to keep distance.
The right answer is dependent on you and what you need in regards to the relationship.
If you choose to accept the bid and then ask for resolution you might say something like:
"I loved that article! You're right it's something I would love. Thank you for sending it. Before we jump into more conversation, I want to talk about what happened the last time we spoke".
If you dismiss the bid and set a limit you might say something like:
"It's been many months since we last spoke and the last time I saw you was very upsetting. I am not interested in reading that article right now, I would like to talk, though, if you're willing to talk about what happened."
If you want to dismiss the bid completely.:
You might say nothing at all or let the other person know that your relationship is not in the place to receive something like that and that you would like to maintain distance.
What if I am the one that does this?
Conflict might be really hard for you. It could be that you had traumatic experiences with conflict in your life and so now when you experience it your body goes into protective flight or freeze modes that make it hard for you to move towards someone.
You might also struggle to express your emotions. Perhaps it's hard to say that you are hurt or angry or sad, and so you shut down and move away from the person.
Maybe, you were not modeled how to apologize. Perhaps, apologies were seen as shameful. Maybe it's painful to admit when you are wrong.
Perhaps, you just don't have the words to say.
All of these things make sense. And, you're not a bad person if you do this. However, when someone disappears from a relationship it creates an insecure dynamic. Learning to be present in connection, even when it's hard, can be incredibly powerful and can prevent cycles of closeness and separateness.
The way forward
Regardless of which side of this experience you sit on, the way forward involves
Building relational self awareness (who am I in relationships? what are my unconscious patterns? how do I tend to behave when I feel x)
Understanding and working with your body's physiological responses to conflict (when you get overwhelmed do you have a fight response? freeze response? flight?)
Developing skills like communicating with empathy, setting boundaries, and learning to take accountability, even when it's hard.
Sigh, relationships are work. And, when we are in the right relationships they are so worth it.
Elizabeth is a Philadelphia therapist supporting couples and individuals struggling with unhealthy relationships, setting boundaries, infidelity and life stressors. Elizabeth is the Director of A Better Life Therapy where you can find counseling support for mental health and relationship issues in Pennsylvania.