3 Easy Steps to Successfully Make and Keep New Year's Resolutions
Article By: Kristin Townsend, LMFT
I’m going to do what any real Philadelphian would do in this situation and just come right out and say what everyone is thinking. No sugar coating. No flowers. Here it is. 2020 sucked. We are all over it and ready for a new year! It wouldn’t take much effort to make this year better than the last, but for some reason, humans have this beautiful way of always wanting to push and grow regardless of the circumstances.
I love that about ya! I really do! And, I want you to be successful in achieving anything your hopeful heart desires. Amidst everything that has happened this year, it’s truly honorable that you’re even trying. You’re great! It’s people like you that are going to get us through this mess. So, I’m going to tell you everything I learned from being a therapist about setting goals and achieving them so you can have a wonderful, or at least tolerable, 2021. One small change at a time, we can collectively make our world a better place to live in.
Set yourself up to be successful
There’s an old therapy cliche that says, “meet yourself where you are”. And it’s a cliche because it works! Meeting yourself where you are means being accepting of your experiences as they are in the present moment and then making slow gentle movements from that place.
We often have way too high expectations of who we should be and what we should be doing. And sometimes, those expectations can be so far away from where we actually are and our goals seem so big, that we get overwhelmed and quit before we even really begin.
It’s a little bit like stretching. Just because you want to touch your toes doesn’t mean you can! Don’t pull a muscle shoving yourself into a position you’re not ready for! Relax and slowly ease into it.
So, step one is to check in with your body, mind and circumstances and then make goals that value where you’re starting from. For example, if you haven’t taken a walk for the last year, it would be unfair to think that setting a 5 mile a day goal is doable. Start more compassionately and start smaller. With that being said...
Make your goal small, specific and achievable
Goals are successful when they become habitual action. To make something habitual, you have to take the thinking out of it. To take the thinking out of it, you have to make it as easy, actionable and routine as possible. When you’re having a harder day, you’re going to be glad that you planned out your goal in these three ways.
Small: Making your goal small means that you are taking the next step towards accomplishing your goal. Something that can be helpful is breaking down our goals into long term goals, short term goals and an action step to really see what the next step actually is.
Here’s an example:
Long term goal (1 year from now): Run 1 mile
Short term goal (1 month from now): Be able to walk 1 mile
Action step to achieve short term goal: Walk 1 mile at 8 am each day
Your first goal needs to be the action step because it's the next step in working towards your goal. Once you’ve successfully completed your short term goal, you repeat this process. If you didn’t successfully complete your short term goal (no biggie!), then it’s letting you know you either need to spend more time on this step or you need to start even smaller!
Every time we miss the mark, we are still learning something. Approach it as an experiment towards deeper self knowing. Learning what doesn’t work still leads us in the direction of what does!
So ask yourself, “Is this something that honors where I am right now?”, “Is this the next step or have I gone too far down the line?”
Specific: Setting an intention is different than setting a goal. Intentions are wonderful, but they’re more like generally wandering towards a direction than walking to a specific place. Goals need to be as clear as possible so that you know exactly what you need to follow through. Be concise and defined. Saying, “I want to be healthier” is an intention, saying “I want to eat one green thing a day” is a goal.
So, ask yourself, “What exact day and time will I do this new activity?”, “What specific action will I be following through on”, “How long will I do it for”, or if you’re trying to stop doing something, ask, “What specific thing can I do in place of the activity I am trying to quit?” etc.
Achievable: Again, the goal here is to set yourself up for success. Expecting too much of yourself will only erode your confidence when you’re not able to follow through. Spend some time alone, close your eyes and visualize your life each day as it is and then spend some time visualizing your life with the goal attached. Write it down and mull it over.
And then ask yourself, “How likely am I to actually do this task?”, “Is this something I will realistically be able to follow through on each day?”
Be flexible and have a plan for when you fall off the wagon
The most important part of accomplishing a goal actually has nothing to do with completing the goal at all. It’s how you react when you don’t complete the goal.
Do you respond with harsh criticism instead of compassion? Do you think, “well if I can’t do it ALL then I won’t do anything.” If you “fail”, do you call yourself a failure and stop trying?
Here’s the deal. You need to have a plan for WHEN things don’t go well. Not IF things don’t go well. When. It’s going to happen. And I know that because we are all imperfect beings who have good days and bad days.
It is so important when trying to accomplish something that you approach yourself with compassion, patience and flexibility. A tree that doesn’t bend with the wind will break.
If your goal is to walk a mile a day and today you just feel sick and tired, do plan B and take a 5 minute walk around the block instead. Give yourself a task that is so easy that you just can’t say no to it and is just enough momentum to get going. Some days that 5 minute walk might be just to push you need to go, “Actually, this feels really good! I’m going to do the whole walk.”
Or it will be all you can do for the day. It says nothing about you, your work ethic or your character if you don’t do something perfectly. Separate your mistakes from who you are as a person.
Remember why you are setting the goal at all. It’s probably to be healthier, more active, nicer, emotionally lighter and a better person all around. Maybe some days that means a rest and a nice stretch instead of a mile run. Give yourself room to be human.
Happy goal setting and Happy New Year!
Philadelphia Therapist
Kristin Townsend is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania offering online therapy to residents of Pennsylvania and California. She supports individuals with understanding their patterns, where they came from, finding your strengths, as well as having more compassionate, fulfilling relationships. If you believe you are having trouble finding balance in your life or relationship Kristin would be happy to meet with you for therapy from the comfort of your home (or wherever you have a private internet connection).