Strategies for Coping When Trauma Impacts Relationships
Article by Lily Skoke, LPC | Therapist in Ardmore, Pennsylvania
At some point in your life, you or a loved one may have faced a traumatic life event that has taken a toll on your relationships. Trauma is more common than you may think. In fact, 70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced a traumatic life event at least once in their lives. According to the American Psychological Association, one of the long-term effects of trauma is strained relationships. Trauma can be defined as an emotional response to a distressing event that causes significant fear, confusion, helplessness, or dissociation.
There are 3 main types of trauma:
● acute trauma, which results from a single incident
● chronic trauma, which can be repeated or prolonged
● complex trauma, which can be exposure to multiple and various traumatic events
Symptoms of Trauma
Whether you are suffering from grief and loss, divorce, a life threatening accident or illness, abuse, or neglect; learning how to cope can aid in the healing process. Becoming aware of how traumatic experiences can affect your relationships is the first step. After a traumatic event, you may begin to notice that you feel a combination of the following symptoms:
● Increased hyper-vigilance
● Misunderstood by others
● Less in control of your emotions
● Decreased ability to trust others
● Socially and/or emotionally isolated
● Emotional numbness or dissociation
● Unsure of how to support your partner
● Confusion and/or frustration about your partner’s behavior
Here are some ways to cope when traumatic experiences affect your relationships:
1. Practice building awareness and compassion:
● Pay attention to how your mind and body feels or responds to specific situations by
pausing and labeling your emotions, describing your initial impulses, and describing your
thought process to your partner.
● Recognize that your partner or loved one is still gaining awareness of their triggers and
automatic reactions. Allow their automatic response, while remembering that they are
still learning healthier ways of reacting.
2. Practice grounding and self-soothing techniques:
● Share in deep breathing exercises, and try to synchronize your breathing to find a shared
rhythm.
● Together, create shared moments that pay close attention to the five senses which can
help bring you into the present moment during a flashback.
3. Practice being flexible when communicating wants and needs:
● By initiating and presenting a choice of options for your partner or loved one to choose
from, this shows that you are flexible and allows them to feel empowered to choose,
which can help them feel more confident.
● This confidence will help build self-efficacy, or belief in their own ability to navigate
difficult emotions and decisions.
4. Practice co-regulation:
● Co-regulation is a process of managing emotions and behaviors with the support of
another person. This provides a sense of security and shared understanding.
● In order to co-regulate, begin by focusing on your own self-regulation. This means that
you need to first calm your own nervous system to be able to help your partner begin to
feel regulated.
● Allow your partner’s presence and calm tone of voice to help you feel regulated.
● Validate the truth of your partner’s distress by acknowledging and responding to their
feelings.
5. Engage in Therapy:
While these techniques can be effective, therapy can provide more support and provide
personalized ways to process traumatic stress. Therapy can help you change the associations you
have with traumatic events as well as teach you new coping skills to aid in the healing process.
Lily Skoke, LPC is a counselor practicing in Ardmore, Pennsylvania. Lily supports people struggling with the impact of trauma on their daily lives and their relationships. She utilizes mindfulness and CBT techniques to help individuals navigate the way that trauma impacts them and supports couples utilizing The Gottman Method. You can read more about Lily here.