The Importance of Admiration

By: Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT

In our currently chaotic and confusing world, it might be difficult to remember to let people know how much we admire them. But, admiration is so, so important. It's even included as part of John and Julie Gottman's Sound Relationship House.

It is important to let our children, friends, family members, romantic partner's, and colleagues know that we see them and we think they are good. It's even lovely to do this with a stranger.

But, saying "you're good" isn't really enough. For people to feel fully seen they need to hear WHY they are good.

Why "good" isn't enough

So many of us have heard the jokes about the trophy generation - where everyone got a pat on the back and an award for just "showing up". I can attest to this being a reality of the many activities I participated in. I was the WORST golfer on the team, but on the day of awards, I still received a "participation trophy". If I got disqualified during a swim team meet because my legs flapped apart during a flip turn, I still got a blue ribbon. Good job, Liz. You exist. The thing is, that the trophies and the ribbons in those moments fell flat.

That might have been the case for you too. The thing is, reward and praise without clarity doesn't actually feel good at all. It feels confusing.

What does feel good is reward and praise that is clear. That tells us what we did well, explicitly.

Had I gotten a trophy in golf that said "award for the most grit" that might have felt better. Had my coach given me no reward at all, but kneeled down next to me and said "Hey, you certainly aren't a great golfer, but I want to tell you what you are good at. You are really good at showing up and trying. At having fun. At supporting the others" that might have felt good. I would have felt seen. "Oh yes, I know I AM NOT good at golf. But thank you for pointing out the things I do believe I am good at. I always hoped people saw that."

Had my swim coach allowed me to go home ribbonless but the next day said "Hey, I really admire how you took feedback about the flip turn yesterday. The way you do that is something special" that would have meant more than any empty ribbon.

People thrive when compliments are explicit. When admiration is real.

How to offer a explicit admiration

Next time you catch yourself saying "good job" to someone you love, reflect on these questions:

1. What actually made it a good job? Was it because they worked hard? Were they on point? Did they exceed expectation? Was there something creative that happened?

2. What would you guess that they would have liked you to notice or see? Do they want you to know they tried really hard? That they made special time for it? That they were thoughtful?

3. How can you communicate this to them?

Examples of admiration sound like…

To a colleague..."Thank you so much for helping me with the project yesterday. I so appreciate how much time you put into this. I know you had to take time away from your own work."

To a partner..."Thank you for everything you do for our family. I admire so much how you help us all to stay optimistic with your lightheartedness and playfulness."

To a friend.. "You are such a good friend. Seriously, you are always thinking about me and checking in and I notice that. It means a lot."

To a child...""Honey, that is such a beautiful picture you are drawing - I really notice how many colors you have used and how much you are thinking about what to do next. It is so cool to watch your process."

What if I am struggling to admire them?

In order to be in healthy relationships with other people we need to have positive thoughts about them and then we need to share those positive thoughts. A good way to do that is to recall happy memories frequently.  You can take a moment to reflect on happy memories and how that person showed up for you at that time. Write down what you admired about THAT and then seek it out in daily life.

Philadelphia and West Chester Therapist

Elizabeth is a Philadelphia therapist supporting couples and individuals struggling with unhealthy relationships, setting boundaries, infidelity and life stressors. Elizabeth is the Director of A Better Life Therapy where you can find counseling support for mental health and relationship issues in Pennsylvania.