Relationships in Close Quarters
Relationships in Close Quarters
By: Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT
This morning, I found out that my husband, son, dog, and myself will be huddled up together for the next 14 days. FOURTEEN DAYS. We won't leave for work, for school, or for any entertainment like shopping or restaurants or even hanging out in the park. We've been put on lockdown to protect ourselves and others from COVID-19.
Part of me is excited about this. Most days of the week, I am craving more time with my son or my husband or my dog. And yet, when that time comes and reality hits we find that it is challenging, to say the least, to manage days and days in a row...together.
Rituals and schedules get changed, privacy goes out the window, quiet moments alone can be hard to come by and the house just starts to get....annoying. You might start to wonder "when did my house get SO small!" or if you are like me and you have always believed the house to feel SO small maybe you are thinking "omg how did it get even SMALLER!! Where is all this stuff coming from!?"
The people that are closest to you are also the ones that can become the most annoying to you. If you are on lockdown like me, I don't want you to end the weeks at home writing REDRUM on the mirrors in lipstick.
And so as a preemptive measure for myself and my own family, I sat down to consider some healthy ways we could manage the next few weeks so that our relationships are not only protected but perhaps they flourish, too.
The Three R's for Relationship Survival
To make it easy to remember, I am calling these "The Three R's for Relationship Survival". These R's apply to your partner, roommates, kids, or anyone else that you are stuck in your home with.
Rituals
Your schedule and rituals will change. This can make life feel chaotic and disorganized. It also creates a scenario in which you might unintentionally violate other people's needs for connection, quiet, work time, or space. Take time to sit down as a unit to talk about how you would like to ritualize the following:
Alone time
Work time
Fun time
Connection time
Decompressing time
Here are some questions you can ask as you create these rituals:
What is important to each of us in this category?
How do we structure it into our schedule?
How can we mark that it is beginning of the ritual? That it is ending?
What would make it fulfilling for us?
How can we talk about it if it isn't working for us anymore.
Here is an example for the category of "work time":
What is important to us?
Partner 1 thinks it is important to have at least 3 hours a day of uninterrupted work time in a space separate from the family. Partner 2 thinks it is important to have a clear cut off for work time. Child 1 would like to have interesting activities planned while both parents are working.
How do we structure it into our schedule? How do we begin and end?
Both parents will wake up together to set up and organize the home for the child to be "set" for the day. This means that one parent is organizing the meals and the other is organizing the house and the activities. During breakfast, both parents decided they will work in the kitchen. They both agree to schedule their uninterrupted time (time for phone calls, meetings, etc) during their child's naptime. They also both agree to have a set end time where they will leave their "job" for home life. They will transition out of work by shutting down their computer and leaving their phone in another room for at least an hour.
What would make it fulfilling for us?
To feel supported and to feel that each person is able to partake in work and activities that feel fulfilling and productive.
How can we talk about it if it isn't working anymore?
At the end of each day, we will check in with each other about what worked when it came to managing home, child, and work and if anything needs to be adjusted we will find temporary agreements to work on that.
Respect
When people get familiar with each other they sometimes forget their manners. When we are super comfortable and have little space from each other it can be easy to become disrespectful in the way we engage with the people we love.
Disrespect in close quarters might look like:
Violating privacy by walking in to people's space without asking.
When frustrated using an aggressive tone or body language.
Leaving messes around the space.
Ignoring the other person when they are making a bid for connection.
Forgetting basic rules of consideration like paying attention to noise levels, space usage, etc.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to stay on top of respect:
Am I respecting the other person's space?
Am I respecting their privacy?
Am I respecting the needs of our family and home?
When I am frustrated or annoyed am I attempting to communicate in a respectful manner?
Am I apologizing and owning it when I am disrespectful?
How can I communicate if I believe I am being disrespected?
Responsiveness
This is a time of great stress for individuals and families. People are concerned about health, finances, safety, and so much more. This is particularly challenging for the relationship. Often, when one person is stressed the other person is able to be responsive to that stress. It becomes a little more difficult when both people are experiencing stress at the same time. How can you create space for the other person when you are feeling as if you don't even have space for yourself?
1. Try to utilize Gottman's stress reducing conversation when your partner is discussing an outside stressor (work, finances, COVID19, etc). You can find it here. Ask for your partner to do the same for you.
2. If the stressor is relationship based, take time to hear each person's perception and work towards finding a temporary solution on how your partner and you might feel better in the relationship.
3. Create containment around the stress. Choose times during the day to discuss stress and make a commitment to also take space from it. Turn off the news, stop going on Reddit. Have no stress zones.
4. Make time for play. Many of you cannot go to your gym classes or even your parks. Make time for play.Turn the TV off and play a board game. Dance around the living room. Watch a comedy. Read books together. Build a tent. Create experiences that allow good feelings.
Creating rituals, being respectful, and being responsive will support your relationship through very difficult, scary, and frustrating times. Try to use this time to bond, connect, increase trust and intimacy, and show up for each other.
Sending you all love,
Liz
Elizabeth is a licensed therapist in Philadelphia, PA supporting individuals and couples as they build healthier and happier relationships.
