Navigating Family Post-Divorce: Tips for Self and Relationships
Article By: Deirdre Cosgrove, LMFT
No couple begins their relationship thinking they will one day be signing divorce papers. The circumstances that lead to divorce are varied- what follows is a list of recommendations for how to navigate family life, post-divorce. Divorce is a life transition, and with any transition, it will take time to develop a new normal. I hope these tips will help ease your path to healing.
Your family traditions and rituals will change. Think about how you want to change them- what is most meaningful?
Not everyone in your life will have the same feelings about the divorce. It can be difficult to acknowledge this variety of experience.
Be sensitive to whom you air your grievances. Do your best to keep children (whatever their age) out of the middle.
Tell your kids what they need to know only. This will depend on their age, but keep it appropriate. Stress that both parents love them and want the best for them.
Think about how the extended family & friend network will be impacted. Just because a marriage ends, those relationships don’t need to end. Be sensitive to the value of such relationships for each individual.
Seek support. It’s likely your emotions will be all over the places. It’s important to have a safe person (again, not your children!) to process these feelings with.
Give yourself and your family at least a year to develop a new normal/new sense of expectations. Go through a year- all the seasons, milestones and holidays that a year brings. Get comfortable and start developing new rituals to keep connection between the kids, parents and extended family, as appropriate.
As time goes on, keep an awareness that your kids may have more difficulty with various milestones in their life as things progress. How do you handle their graduation? Wedding? Birth of children? Be open to discussing what everyone can do to feel most comfortable and unburdened.
Be conscious of how you introduce new partners to the family unit. Again, this depends on the age of the children and context of the situation. However, it’s important that the divorced couple retain some communication so they can make one another aware of such changes. It can create a sense of burden for the children to know something one of their parents doesn’t- it feels like a secret, which is uncomfortable.
Children (no matter their age) look to their parents to handle their own selves and responsibilities. This doesn’t change in a time of divorce. Work hard to not put your kids in the middle of your relationship with your ex-partner. Find appropriate supports so you can keep appropriate boundaries.
Your romantic relationship may have ended, but how your child defines their family will always include you and your ex-spouse as their parents. It’s important to be mindful of this and do what you can to coparent cooperatively and peacefully for the sake of your children. With support, it is possible to navigate a divorce well and to maintain healthy relationships between family members.
Pennsylvania and New Jersey Therapist
Deirdre Cosgrove, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Deirdre offers services online through our HIPAA compliant platform and in person at our beautiful Center City, Philadelphia office. She supports individuals and couples as they learn to navigate our families post divorce. She offers both traditional therapy and weekend couples intensives. To schedule an appointment click here.