How to turn a question into a conversation

When we ask someone we love a question we often hope for more than just the answer. We want conversation. It can be difficult, though, to get the ball rolling into a discussion that keeps you both engaged and this can lead to disappointment.

I work with many couples who so badly want to connect but they aren’t quite sure how to do it. In my office, I help them learn how to expand their conversations by teaching them the following “tricks”.

Creating a Conversation

Creating conversation is an art form and we can all improve in the way that we communicate with each other.

Here are four habits that shut down conversation:

  • Yes/No Questions

    Yes/No questions shut down conversation because they don’t invite enough information. If a person can answer your question with one word then you’re going to have to work extra hard to pull more out of them. This becomes a frustrating task. Instead, ask open ended questions.

  • Gotcha Questions

    Gotcha questions are assumptive. This means that you ask a question in way that shows you already assume the answer. For example, you might be talking about food and instead of asking an open ended question like “Which types of food do you like?” you might say “You don’t really actually like tacos do you?”

  • Compound Questions

    When we really want to know about people we might have a million questions we want to ask! But don’t ask them all in one breath. Instead, ask one question at a time and let the other person fully answer.

  • Butting in

    Nothing stops a conversation dead in it’s tracks like interrupting the other person before they’ve finished their thought (or before they’ve even started it). Remember, that it might take longer for someone to process their answer than you’re expecting. Give people a chance to respond by giving that space.

Now that you’ve got an idea of what not to do, let’s talk about how you can expand a conversation.

Expanding conversation

  • Ask open ended questions

    Open ended questions start with the words “how”, “what”, and “why”, although I encourage couples to avoid “why” questions when it comes to more “touchy” areas as they tend to be perceived as judgmental questions in those moments. Open ended questions allow people to give full answers that are all their own because they avoid “yes” or “no” answers and also avoid assumptions of what the other person might say.

  • Show comprehension

    When I work with couples, I often see couples run into misunderstandings because they think their partner didn’t comprehend what they were saying even when their partner did. Why did they believe this? Because their partner responded with a blank stare or a basic response like “oh, gotcha”. It’s not enough to understand what your conversation partner is saying, you need to show them you understand as well. You can do this by briefly summarizing what you heard (and no, you don’t need to sound like a robot doing it!).

  • Be curious

    Sometimes, in my work as a therapist, I come across couples who have forgotten how to be curious. They think they know everything about each other (or they have lost the energy to care to find out anything more). Because of that, they don’t ask good questions! In the therapy room, I play a game with them in which they are tasked with turning a basic conversation into a deeply meaningful, and long, conversation. They do this by asking questions not only about subject matter details but also about thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

    For example, they might be talking about a basic bus ride into work. In order to expand the conversation, though, they could ask for more details about the ride. Then, they could ask how the other person was feeling or what they were thinking during the event. They could ask their opinion (what’s your opinion on the bus route?). Sometimes, the questions they ask at first are silly and as they practice asking about details, thoughts, feelings, and opinions the conversation seems fluid and organic.

    The speaker is important too

    The question asker can only do so much to keep a conversation going. If the speaker isn’t willing to offer up details or give their attention to the conversation then things won’t go very far. If someone is trying to connect with you work towards providing detail, thoughts, feelings, and opinions. And, in return, ask the other person a question, too.

    Work with us

    If you’re struggling to connect with someone you love, our team of couple and family therapists can help you to improve communication and increase intimacy. You can read more about our team of therapists here.

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Elizabeth Earnshawa better life therapy