How to Set Boundaries as a Couple During the Holidays
By: Emma Carpenter, MA
PHILADELPHIA Therapist
Having boundaries during the holidays can be hard for a lot of couples. Both partners have friends, family, jobs, etc. pulling them in a hundred different directions during the end of the year. In order to make it through, it’s important to set boundaries as a couple. Talk about where to say yes to things and where to say no, and don’t let your relationship get put on the back burner.
Decide what traditions you want to have
The holidays are a perfect opportunity to talk to your partner about traditions. Traditions are our way of living out our core values, so it’s important to discuss these so we can better understand who our partner is and make decisions based on what’s most important. Pour your favorite holiday drinks and go over the following questions with your partner:
What was their favorite holiday tradition growing up?
What’s their favorite holiday tradition now, as an adult?
What holiday traditions do they want to continue when starting their own family?
What holiday traditions do they want to end or change?
Where do they see opportunity to combine their holiday traditions with yours?
If/when you have children, how will you decide which family traditions to prioritize?
What core values do they see as being most prominent in their holiday traditions?
How does culture play a role in their holiday traditions?
Keep in mind that you and your partner get to decide what your traditions will be. Family may want certain things to happen, but the two of you get to make the final call.
Prioritize relationship self care
It’s so easy to get caught up in the shopping, social events, and sight seeing. Between trying to spend time with friends and family, attending gatherings, shows and events, and coordinating trips, dinners and activities, we can end up putting our relationship on the back burner.
The holiday season can be joyous and exciting, while at the same time dizzying and overwhelming. It has a way of plowing right over us if we let it. It’s important to prioritize and protect one-on-one time with your partner, even - and especially - during the chaos of the holidays. Rituals of connection add substance and stability to relationships. They keep us grounded and focused on what’s important.
One way to protect this sacred time with your partner is to use a magical two letter word: NO
No to accepting every invitation and running on empty. No to overly elaborate decorations, baked goods or DIY projects that take up tons of time. No to last minute “come out with us” when you already planned to stay in together.
Find any and every opportunity to tune in and turn towards each other. On the car rides to and from various things, over coffee and breakfast before heading off to face the day, and before you pass out in your bed at night. Find the moments where you’re alone for even just a few minutes. Put your phones down, close the laptops, and turn off the tv. Check in with each other. Go a little deeper with your conversations.
Never overspend, only do what you can afford
Holidays don’t have to cost a lot of money. The important thing is the quality time spent together and the memories made. Talk with your partner about the budget you want to set for the holidays, even if you don’t share finances. This sets the stage to be able to discuss how many gifts, activities, and travel plans to prepare for, reducing conflict before it happens.
So many of my clients have come in these past couple weeks talking about how stressful it is to buy presents when they don’t have enough money. They talk about the guilt they feel receiving gifts from those they cannot gift in return. They talk about the shame they feel “letting people see” they are having financial difficulties. I completely understand these feelings. I feel them too. This is the first year I am not buying gifts for people and it makes my stomach twist knowing that people have gifts for me.
As a society we have become attached to this idea that it’s rude or selfish not to give gifts, but that’s not the true meaning of the holidays. The holidays are about showing people you care about them. Spreading love and joy to those around you. Being generous and kind to others. Nowhere does it say you have to spend money to do these things.
Invite people over to watch a movie, or bake cookies (which if you’re a Cookie Monster like me this costs nothing because the ingredients are always on hand), or just hang out and catch up. If you want to feel like you’re giving people something more than just quality time, give them acts of service. Offer to help with things they need done around their home, or watch their pet/kids so they can go on a trip or a date. Everyone loves when people offer to help them with things for free.
The holidays can be stressful, overwhelming, and a total blur. They can also be beautiful, joyful, and exciting. It just depends on if you and your partner choose to set boundaries to protect what’s important.
Emma Carpenter is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania offering online therapy to residents of Pennsylvania. She supports individuals and couples facing stressors around prolonged higher education, financial difficulties due to debt or starting new careers, delayed “life moves”, infidelity, and insecurity involving social media. If you believe you struggle with “life moves”, Emma would be happy to meet with you for therapy from the comfort of your home (or wherever you have a private internet connection).
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