by Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT
Part 2 of the previous post. Let’s talk about overcoming the fighting pitfalls below…
1. When you have a fight with your partner your amygdala activates:
MINDFULNESS will help you to stay present in the moment. This helps you to remember “nothing is actually happening” and can result in overcoming your fight or flight response.
2. You’ve started identifying your partner as someone to win against instead of someone to win with:
UNDERSTANDING should be your goal in an argument, rather than winning. You must understand your partner’s position before any solution can be designed. They are your ally. Consider what outcome will make the relationship stronger.
3. Your heart is beating at 100 or more beats per minute (bpm):
SELF SOOTHING means recognizing that you are flooded and you need to take a break. Research shows that it takes 20-30 minutes to relieve the impact of being physiologically flooded. Deep breathing and taking a break are key here.
4. Because your body feels threatened your muscles will tense:
PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION is an exercise that will help you to recognize the difference between a tense and relaxed body. Practicing this will help you learn how to relax your body in tense moments.
5. Attachment wounds can be triggered: THERAPY, seriously, is so important if your childhood wounds are getting in the way of a cooperative and trusting relationship. Doing this together or individually is up to you and your therapist. .
The more in tune you are with yourself and your body the easier it is to fight fair. A calm body = a calm conversation.
Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT is a licensed marriage therapist in Philadelphia. Elizabeth supports individuals and couples improve the relationship they have with themselves and others through better communication, self soothing, and a clear understanding of what a successful marriage looks like. She believes that any committed couples who is willing to do the work can walk away from therapy with more clarity and connection in their relationship.